... I'm nuts.

Not, 'mutters to self constantly, possibly homicidal, tin-foil hat to keep in thoughts' crazy, but just enough that I have to see two head-doctors and a GP once a week.

And it all started so suddenly, too. I was having trouble sleeping, felt jittery constantly, and I couldn't ask for simple things from anyone, like help on assignments. Occassionally, I would just... shake and tremble for no good reason, and spazz out. 'Unspeakable dread' is a good way of describing what would be felt during these little episodes.

Turns out, all those moments of panic were just that- panic attacks. Small ones, but they were random, frequent and really intense.

High anxiety is also on the list. I shake all the time, I can't ask for things from others out of a constant fear of rejection, and the tiniest things, the simplest tasks, scare the hell out of me.

I already knew this was going on. I knew I was overly shy, and had little confidence, and I was aware that the little moments where I felt like I was going to vomit or pass out or start crying for no apparent reason were panic attacks. But I learnt recently that I have something far more interesting than just the shakes.

OCD. Mild OCD, but it's getting worse.

I'm obsessive compulsive. It's isn't as powerful as people assume, and I'm guessing most people are thinking about really odd repedition of things, like ordering things a specific way, or constantly washing your hands. Something along those lines. It's what automatically seems to pop into everyone's heads, and for good reason.

Thats pretty much the case with me. I have to see patterns everywhere, or I get really frustrated or panicy, or angry, or tense. Specifically, I see patterns of 3, or a factor of 3- 6,9,12,15,18,21,24,27,30 etc. I can't help it, it bleeds into everything I do.

For example, I have a hallway that leads to most rooms in my house- the bathroom, laundry, my bedroom, my parents bedroom, the family room, the kitchen, the lounge room. To get from the laundry to the carpeted hallway, I have to take exactly three stps on concrete. Then three tiny steps on the carpeted floor to get to the kitchen. Six small steps across the tiled floor in the kitchen to get to the dining room. Three large steps to get from the carpeted floor to the ornamental rug in the lounge room. Three baby steps on that rug to get back to the hallway. Always the same sequence. Always the same pattern. Otherwise, I have to go back and make sure I took the required amount of steps to get from point A to point B. Weird, huh?

Its just as bad in other parts of my life. Hanging on a window at my place is three glass ornaments- a somewhat large blue angel, a large red heart, and a small blue heart. What do I do? I find at least one pattern. In this situation, large ornament, small, large. Then heart, angel, heart. Then blue glass, red glass, blue glass. Even the order of the patterns have to be right. Size is outranked by shape or type of object. Colour outranks everything, always.

If there's more than three objects, I group things according to the same attributes everything has- height, width, colour, shape, texture. The list goes on.

When I'm typing, I won't really think much about what I'm typing or how to spell a word right- I just compulsively hit keys. It's how so many spelling errors pop up. I'll try and write, 'Hi, how are you?' and the result will be, 'Hu, hoe are yoi?', and have to go back and fix the errors before I go nuts. If I send an email or post a comment then look back at what I wrote, I immediately want it back to correct all the mistakes that slip by, or re-write a passage I don't like anymore. I'll probably do it the moment I go ahead and post this journal entry. I'll put in too many letters in a word that repeats them, like 'too' or 'tall' or 'cheese'- or I'll repeat the same word a couple of times. I'm obsessive about editing sometimes- I'll be reading a good book and automatically think about whay could be done to improve a certain sentence, or what word could replace another to make the sentence more ordered and sensible and refined.

I always have to have my wallet and watch and USB in the same place in my room- my bedisde table- all arranged in a certain way. I frequently touch my pockets to make sure notes and money are still there, and panic if I can't feel them straight away.

Sometimes when it gets really bad, I have to put books spine to spine, or order them, or straighten up the pile they've been tossed onto, or arrange them until they're perfectly neat. I usually only do something like this when I'm really nervous, like with pencils before a test, or with magazines in a doctor's waiting room.

See? It's insane. And I can't stop.

So, I'm on a horrible medication to handle all of this that's making me vomit. I'm sitting here with my stomach churning and after every few sentences I sit there and twist my hands together or twitch my fingers. I'm almost certain the medication isn't working, or the dosage isn't high enough because I'm still walking in a precise pattern everywhere I go and still making the usual mistakes with my typing. Because of the pills making me so ill I haven't gone to school in days, plus it's nearing year 11 exam time and I need to attend my lessons or I'll miss something important. Not nice.

I'm beginning to think counting my steps is a better alternative. At least it's keeping my basic math skills sharp... ish.

Ah well, sorry for bothering to unload all of this. I feel awkward saying it to people I regularly have contact with anyway. Don't worry- the next time you stumble upon my journal- no doubt by accident- I'll be talking about something more interesting and relevant.

Like politics.